


Kingdom Come

by valkyrxe



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Blood and Violence, Drugs, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Guns, Mafia NCT
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23821843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valkyrxe/pseuds/valkyrxe
Summary: He only wishes one thing now.Jaehyun remembers you, and he hopes that you remember him as well.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Reader
Comments: 11
Kudos: 41





	1. prologue

Jaehyun remembers the day when you first met.

“I think the children like you,” you said, a delightful grin gracing her painted lips. “I’ve never seen them this enthusiastic.”

He could only smile in return, allowing the deep indents of his cheeks to appear. He feels his ears warming, painting it a pinkish hue as he continued to unbox the goods they brought in for the orphanage. “Thank you.”

“I’m guessing you’re a man of few words.”

Your giggles were soft; soothing - like how the bell chimes every time he steps in the doorstep of his home in Busan. How he wishes to come back, yet hearing the soft chortles of yours already brings him back.

The smile on his lips stretched wider, crescent eyes falling upon yours and flawless cheeks turning a pinkish shade as his ears. Jaehyun remembers the same feeling as he was in sixth grade, it has been a while since he looks at another person with such admiration. His heart beating faster than normal, hands sweaty in every contact with yours. 

Crush. The tiniest form of a one-sided intimacy. Jaehyun was pretty sure it was all a short time feeling - he’ll probably only meet you this once and never again.

* * *

“Thank you for the donations again. The children learned to bake and they’re _pretty much_ invested, thanks to you.”

Jaehyun finds himself back in the orphanage, a box full of goods on his arms as you lead the way to the storage. Since that day he always finds his thoughts back to you - your smile, your laughs, even your embarrassing facade. His co-workers would tease him during work as he keeps spacing out, of course, his replies would be mutters of denial. 

Johnny sees it though, that’s why they are back at the very orphanage the company helped months ago.

“Thanks to the _company_ ,” he corrected, placing the box over the table. He could feel your excitement and he chuckles, stepping a little aside with a nod towards the box. “I think I’ll let you do the honors of opening this.”

“You’re part of them, so,” you trail off, failing to hide your excitement and stepping your way to where Jaehyun stood. You peel off the tape from the box and open to see more baking supplies inside. 

You can’t contain the happiness and it was evident in your facade.

Jaehyun thinks it was more than a crush.

“I think you’re more excited than the kids,” he chuckles.

“Am I?” You returned the gesture back. “I just thought that with these, I could spend more time with the children.”

“You love them so much, huh?” Jaehyun babbles, but you take no offense from the statement. 

“I just love children,” you reply, the childish grin still on your lips as you took almost everything out of the box. “A mixer?!”

Jaehyun nonchalantly shrugs but overwhelmed with pride as the mixer was from his own pocket, not from the company. He would not admit it though. Though he would admit one thing.

“I love children as well.”

He blurts the second time, and like how you reacted earlier, grin still on your lips, you reply. 

“Great!”

A pause and Jaehyun’s eyes fixate on your warming face. He figures the statement was incomplete, so he waits for another.

“We’re compatible, then.”

You hope it was soft enough for him to not hear, but as he was focused on you, he never missed it. His lips turned into a wide grin. Jaehyun leans his bottom on the tabletop, trying to sound composed and poised as he asks:

“Really? Then, let’s test it out on a date.”

* * *

Jaehyun remembers the time you said you didn’t want a ring when someone asks for your hand in marriage.

You were lying with him on your couch, watching some boring documentary when you suddenly babbled. The statement was confusing, so he asks you why while he plays with your hand.

“I don’t think it’s really necessary. You know, all those extravagant preparations, dragging your friends—I don’t know. I just think it’s all for show.”

You cuddle to him closer, the slow beating of his heart lulling you to sleep as you sleep on top of his clothed chest.

Jaehyun takes note of it mentally and places a chaste kiss on your forehead.

* * *

Jaehyun remembers how he almost thought he’d lose you.

“You’re going to be assigned to Los Angeles with Johnny and Haechan. Apparently, our _client_ ran away from _home_ , I need you guys to fetch him in case he gets lost,” Taeyong says. He slides a blue folder on the tabletop while Jaehyun stands there, clearly baffled with the designation of his next assignment.

“Excuse me?”

Taeyong looks visibly surprised. Jaehyun was never one to have orders repeated as he gets them clearly in one saying. With a lone brow raised and his hands curled together as his chin rested on it, he repeats. 

“You’re going to be assigned to LA with Johnny and Haechan.”

“L-A.”

“Yes.”

“Los Angeles, California.”

“That’s what LA stands for. Jaehyun -”

“In America.”

Unbelievable. Taeyong isn’t comprehending that Jaehyun’s actually answering him this way. It wasn’t in his character - and as amusing as it sounds, Taeyong isn’t having any of it today.

“Sorry, Taeyong. I have to decline -”

“Jaehyun.”

“I really can’t. I have some important matters to attend to -”

“If it’s about your girlfriend, you should drop it off,” Taeyong finally snaps. He stands from his seat with his eyes full of frustration - one of his top agents declining one of the biggest missions they had in years. “You know the field of your work. Do you really expect to live a life of happy endings -”

“Fine!”

Jaehyun snaps back, heart heavy at the guilt Taeyong imposes. There was no lie in it though. His job endangers not only his life but the people around him as well, that’s why from the start they were asked to forbid emotions to bloom, but alas, love just strikes hard.

“When do we leave?” 

“Well, since Haechan is still training and we’re still gathering enough data...you’ll leave in three weeks.”

Begrudgingly, Jaehyun grabs the folder on Taeyong’s table and leaves his office in angry strides.

* * *

“It’s okay. It’s for work I understand.”

You say to him as he curls up within your spoon. His hair feels smooth against your fingers. He acts like a child when he feels like it, especially when there is a favor to ask, but this time, his permission felt a little different than the others.

But who are you to dictate him to stop?

He looks up to you, your chin earning soft pecks from his dry lips.

“You aren’t…”

You wait for him to finish, but he just curls up more to your smaller frame. You adjust to make him comfortable, enveloping his head to your arms and burying it to your chest.

“I’m not mad. It’s not like you won’t come back.”

But Jaehyun is.

_What if something went wrong? What if there was a miscalculation? What if he comes back home inside a wooden box?_

“You’re thinking too loudly, baby,” you shush, continuing to thread your fingers through his thick tresses. “I’m sure you’ll come back to me.”

Jaehyun hopes as well.

* * *

He feels the sting, but he’s not even backing up a step.

He feels the blood drip down his nose, but he keeps his stance.

A left jab from his opponent, but he dodged, moving downward to avoid his fist. He countered with an uppercut and seeing his opponent stunned from the attack, Jaehyun took the opportunity to grab the knife strapped on his thigh. With quick movements, he slid down and stabbed the guy with more force than intended.

When he doesn’t feel like he’s moving anymore, Jaehyun grabs his knife back, standing up to return the blade back to its previous pocket, but a sudden bang from behind jolts him forward.

A bullet on his rib.

Blood was continuing to flow.

And it was from him.

“Jaehyun!”

He hears Johnny scream, but he’s already tumbling forward, vision darkening to a pitch black.

* * *

It is painful when he wakes up.

The ceiling is white, and when he looks down, the same hue paints the walls, his bed, his clothes. The only vibrant color on his vision is blue, the color that paints the curtains of the windows on one side.

“Hey,” he hears Johnny say, but he doesn’t respond. “I know you’re awake. Your fingers twitched. Haechan is already calling the nurse.”

“Are we still in LA?”

“Yep,” Johnny replies with an emphasis on the ‘p’.

“How long have I’ve been here?” 

“A week.”

_No._

Jaehyun tries to stand, but Johnny stops him from doing so. With his state, he knows it’s useless to fight against the gentle giant, but he has you waiting for him back home.

“We already contacted her,” Johnny says, but he still feels restless. 

The door opens and Haechan, along with his attending physician and a nurse greets him. They were smiling, an act of reassurance, but Jaehyun isn’t having any. He stares at them, void of any emotion.

Johnny takes this as a cue and leaves, dragging Haechan along.

He undergoes examination as facilitated by the doctor. It was a while until he was cleared. When the tests are done, the nurse summons Johnny and Haechan back to the room.

“He’s good to go,” the doctor says, filling up the clearance form. He passes it to the nurse who hurriedly steps outside to work on his clearance and dues.

Before leaving, the doctor prescribed him mefenamic pills to ease any pain. Johnny and Haechan bid them thank you and goodbye as the physician closes the door.

“What’s the earliest flight we could book back to Seoul?” Jaehyun asks in a hurry.

“We already have tickets for tomorrow morning. Taeyong booked it—“

“What time is it anyway?”

Haechan looks at his watch. “It’s one in the afternoon, LA time, hyung.”

Jaehyun pulls the IV out of his dorsal, _almost_ , as Johnny’s reflexes work better that it halts the action. “Whoa, easy there, tiger. Let the nurses do their job.”

“Can we go to a jewelry shop after this?”

* * *

“You know,” you quip as you sit beside him while scooping a spoonful of yogurt from the cup. Jaehyun hums, but there is confusion on his face while he waits for your reply. 

“You’ve been acting weird since you came back from LA.”

“Am I?” He asks without even tearing away his glued vision on the television screen. He is watching a documentary, and you’re sure that it isn’t as interesting as the usual dramas that he watches. You know he’s not interested in your question, but you pursue anyway.

“Yeah,” you say, trying to take interest in whatever he’s watching. You take a spoonful of the frozen yogurt and wince from the cold as it stays in your mouth. 

“You’re an idiot,” to which Jaehyun finally looks at your direction, but of course, with a flick on your forehead. 

“Look who’s talking,” you murmur, sliding down the couch to get more comfortable. He snatches the second spoon you’ve already scooped and he, too, winced from the sudden coldness. “See?”

When he gulps down, he looks at you intently, and you notice how his eyes glistened and softened as it looks at yours. His lips pressed in a thin line, making the indents of his cheeks appear, a trait you always loved of many. 

“What?”

“How many people have you already listed on our wedding guest list?”

“Huh?”

You bit your lip. You’re pretty sure that you’re the only one who knows about how you list your future plans: wedding included. It’s stored in your laptop, folders after folders, and you’re wondering how Jaehyun knew of such self hidden secret.

To which he seems to catch upon. A toothy grin stretches on his lips. “Gotcha.”

“How did you know?”

“Baby, you can’t answer a question with another.”

The show long has forgotten, you quizzically look at his smug demeanor before placing your near-empty cup of yogurt on the nightstand beside the couch. Lying is useless as you were already caught, and since you had been dreaming that Jaehyun would be the one to fill out the blank on the column **_GROOM_ **, you figure that it’s better to say the truth. Nothing wrong with it anyway.

It’s just a guest list.

“I’m not sure. It’s on my laptop if you want actual numbers.”

He presses closer, nose almost touching yours. “Who is invited?”

“Well,” you quip, trying to focus on remembering your list rather than the feel of his hot breath against yours. “My family, of course. And my close friends. Around twenty...I’m not really sure.”

Jaehyun hums. You don’t exactly know where this conversation is going, so you pull your head slightly away from his. “What is this, Jeong Jaehyun? What are you plotting?”

His toothy grin breaks into an ever wide smile that shows the crescents of his eyes, the whiskers that form on his nose, and the deep dimples that you always find adoring. He lets you go, bouncing as he rests his arm over the edge and lets his head rests on his palms. “Go get your laptop baby.”

“Jeong Jaehyun.”

“Just get it.”

Although you want to resist, your feet already turn to the direction of your bedroom, all the while, Jaehyun fishes a tiny, red velvet box from the pockets of his sweater. He peeks, making sure that the jewelry is there. Suddenly, the room feels hot with him.

You come back with the laptop in hand. Jaehyun tells you to open the guest list file you’ve been long hiding and you do so. You slump down beside him, the file big on your laptop screen. 

“Add Johnny and the rest to the list.”

You look at him incredulously. You hear him say it, but you’re not sure - did he really told you to add his friends on the list? Why?

“What is this, Jeong Jaehyu-”

“Then maybe you can add my grandparents. I’m sure they’ll come.”

“Jaehyun.”

“Have you thought of the theme? The color scheme?”

“Jeong Jaehyun.”

“What?”

You want to cry. You really want to. The tears are already forming on the corners of your eyes. 

“Oh, shit, baby, why are you crying?” He panics. You had your fair share of arguments in the past and he’s yet seen you cry because of him. The plan was naturally smooth in his mind. Go home as if nothing happened. Casually bring up the guest list he saw you making a few days before he left. Propose to you in a very casual way - crying was not in the schedule.

“You’re an idiot,” you say between hiccups. The tears fall from your eyes like there’s no tomorrow, and your nose is getting stuffed with snot as you try to stop crying.

“Don’t say something that will make me hope,” you say.

Jaehyun’s eyes visibly widen. He never thought that you’d think he’s only fooling. Suddenly, his arms stretch out to yours, inviting you over for an embrace, but since you decline, he pulls you towards him - laying your head on his clothed chest. He smells like his favorite perfume, a scent you already resembled home. You feel his chest vibrate as he let out a low chuckle.

“I’m serious,” he coos, threading your hair through his long, ragged fingers. You did not reply, rather shift comfortably in his embrace. There was no exact reason why you said those words, but Jaehyun’s tone as he says he’s serious comforts you.

"I thought you said you don't want a grand, exaggerated proposal, so I..."

You see his other hand opens a red velvet box.

A diamond ring nestled within the comforts of the foam inside the box.

“Marry me.”

He commands, and for the second time tonight, your wails echoed through your apartment in joy.

* * *

“You’re getting married?”

Taeyong sounds excruciating. Jaehyun sees the seriousness in his facade and tone. He has his hands overlap one another in front, casually feeling the metal ring against his ring finger. 

“I am.”

“Then what?”

Jaehyun raises a single brow. “Then what?”

“Endanger your fiancee’s life?” Taeyong asks. The older leans on the rest of his swivel chair but the ferocious look on his eyes never left Jaehyun’s. “Isn’t an easy commitment by being a boyfriend enough?”

“She’s not in danger-”

“Maybe she is,” Taeyong then pulls a folder from his desk drawer and puts on the tabletop gently. Jaehyun takes this as a cue and grabs the folder from the table, eyes widening from the picture clipped on the folder. 

It was your picture coming out from a grocery. Jaehyun remembers the chore from a few days ago.

“You know what you oathed for, Jaehyun,” Taeyong says, and surprisingly enough, in his tone was empathy. “The higher-ups don’t exactly want distractions within their agents’ personal life.”

“I’m also human, Taeyong hyung. Give me a break.”

“I would, but I can’t,” Taeyong sighs. “You’re an adult. You know what to do.”

He drops the folder back to the table and places his hands on his sides, curling into a fist. He chooses to remain silent.

* * *

Winter came to the country’s capital.

You said that ordering pizza was fine, but he was thinking otherwise. Jaehyun took you to a fancy restaurant for dinner, saying that he just got paid and since it was only two weeks before your wedding, he took it as an opportunity to let you de-stress.

You appreciate the sweet gesture.

And now you’re going back to the comforts of your home. Snow started to fell as you billing out of the restaurants, and the floor was blanketed in glass ice in only a few minutes.

He was seated on the driver’s seat, one hand manning the wheel while the other intertwined with yours. You tell him to focus on the road and let your hand go, but his grip only tightens and brings it to his lips when it came to a red light. 

With the seconds ticking red, he looks at you, a toothy grin etched on his lips which caused the deep indents of his cheeks to come out. He looks at you admiringly, taking in your angelic features even though only illuminated by the dim lights brought about by the vehicles and street lights. 

“I love you,” he says, and no it has been thousands and millions of times you’ve heard those words - but it never fails to make you flush beet red and heart beat faster than normal.

“It’s a green,” you huff, eyes focusing back on the road. Jaehyun laughs and lets his hand back on the wheel. 

You didn’t know the dangers that lie ahead.

Jaehyun swore to protect you. Everything that he needs to keep, he successfully kept it from you. 

The true nature of his job. The true nature of his company.

The true nature of Jeong Jaehyun.

_Winter came to Seoul too soon._

As for Jeong Jaehyun as well.

He hears you say “I love you” which caused him to glance at you for a brief moment, but his peripheral saw white-

A blinding white light.

He hears you scream. 

And then there was ringing. His vision was pitch black as his eyes were closed, yet his reflex in before was to hold you. 

He did. He grasps your hand, and your touch was the last sensation he felt as he started to succumb into a deep slumber.

* * *

“Bye Teacher [Y/N]! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Bye, little one! See you tomorrow!”

Jaehyun sees you wave at the children as they go out of pre-school in a cold afternoon. The surroundings were covered in gold as the sun starts to set and children are scurrying to get home, some along with their parents.

He sees you smile towards them, a smile he had always admired and cherished. You never notice his figure in the background as you were busy with your goodbyes, but he notices your exhaustion by the weary look on your face. You go back inside the premises, hands stuck inside your apron to keep you from the cold.

He only wishes one thing now.

_Jaehyun remembers you, and he hopes that you remember him as well._


	2. Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mutual understanding. Both sides benefitted. She thinks that somehow, this is okay. At least for now.

“Valentine, can you hear me, over.”

“Chicago to Valentine.”

“Jae-”

He pulls the device away from his ears. Sweat drips from his temple down to his wrist. He clutches the handle before when he hears the door open, footsteps following after. 

Jaehyun quietly exhales but he hears his heart thumping. Louder. The footsteps coming closer matching how his heart that he could hear it loudly in his ears. 

“He went through here. I’m sure of it,” one says. 

_At least one of you is vigilant_ , he thinks. 

Jaehyun cocks the barrel and slides away from where he was hiding, shooting the speaker in his chest. His companion reacts even before his body falls to the ground with the fatal shot - shooting to the direction Jaehyun was. 

_Unfortunately, still too slow._

Jaehyun rolls to the side, kicking the man’s ankles which caused him to fall down. He takes the opportunity to shoot another bullet straight to his lungs. But to these actions, he never noticed another man coming into the room, one making a bullet straight to his direction. Luckily with his reflexes, he managed to dodge a split second, the metal grazing through the fabric of his clothing deep into the skin of his shoulder. 

Momentarily he hisses because of the pain, yet Jaehyun manages to get it over quickly, landing a clean shot on the assailant’s head. 

He ducks behind the flipped table to reload and hears another set of steps coming towards his direction. He runs just behind the walls of the fallen door - and as one entered, sneaks up to land a fatal blow towards the back of the man’s neck. The other points his gun towards Jaehyun, but as to his quick senses, pulls the arm towards him, flipping him over with the remaining strength he has, before planting a bullet on the man’s head once more.

Jaehyun exhales.

“This is Valentine,” he says as he brings the comm back to his ears. “Cleaning up cleared.”

“YOU FUCKING SHIT!”

Johnny screams through the comm, and Jaehyun thinks his eardrums are being snapped at. It was pure regret to put them back on. The elder continues to interrogate his locations to which he answers meekly as to be careful - there might be more around that are hunting for him.

When he stands, the graze on his shoulder stung, and he hisses at the burning sensation. There is blood from his shoulder when he reaches for it, thus he places his free hand over for pressure to prevent more bleeding. Slowly, he walks over to the hallway, now stinking of dried blood. 

Jaehyun didn’t even get to the half of the hall when he heard running, thus he concealed himself behind a vase stand. 

“This way!” One of them shouts, but a series of gunshots fires after.

He hears a man whistle, then a slap of a hand on thick fabric.

“Jeno nice kill!”

Jaehyun chuckles and shakes his head. 

“Were you not told that you should call another agent by their code, Pudu?”

He says, standing up to meet his two companions - two juniors on the field. The hand on his shoulder still patched, to which the black-haired boy notices. 

“You’re injured, Hyung!”

Both rushed to his side, and Jaehyun saw the panic in their eyes.

“As much as I’d love to flick your foreheads right now,” he hisses. “Ah, shit. Should I be really giving lessons now-“

“Yeah, you should!” Another voice breaks him, and when Jaehyun looks over the hall, Johnny’s coming closer in big, angry strides. Jeno and Haechan move to the side to give way to Johnny. 

With the first aid kit, Johnny applies a mediocre patch with thick layers of gauze. He finishes the dressing by roughly putting on micropore tapes haphazardly over the injured shoulder.

“But they won’t be the one taking lessons, Jaehyun, it’ll be you—and by that I mean go back to the training where you’ll learn patience and obedience!” Johnny screams with obvious frustration laces his tone. 

“I can do it alone, hyung—“

“Bullshit,” Johnny scoffs, then turns his back to Jaehyun. “Carry Valentine up to the escape, Prince. Pudu, come with me.”

The two mentioned complies, but Jaehyun is reluctant to not go. He was about to speak when Johnny walked away with Haechan, leaving no room for argument. 

Jeno looks at him with pitiful eyes. He hears rumors of Jaehyun going insane by charging in alone, with no comms, when he sees fit, and now he’s seen it. A true suicidal maniac who succeeds nevertheless. 

“Prince. Bring Valentine over,” Jeno hears Taeyong through the comms. Jeno looks at Jaehyun — his lips pursed and brows knitted, probably in annoyance.

“Yes sir.”

Jaehyun looks at him with venomous eyes. Jeno cowers, his heart beats a little faster than normal, but no. An order is an order.

“Valentine hyung. Let’s go.”

The older looks at him for a brief few seconds and sighs. He could not hurt Jeno, and running away would probably sanction the kid. He couldn’t risk it — couldn’t be the one putting the blame.

He nods and lets Jeno assist him by putting his arm over the little one’s frame for support, drenched in blood and sweat.

* * *

“Pass.”

Johnny attempts to imitate Jaehyun’s baritone when Taeil asks whether they’re up for a night of chicken and beer after finishing their reports on the previous mission. Jaehyun was the only man in the room to not be amused by the elder’s banter as his brows were knitted in obvious annoyance.

“Stop that, hyung,” he says as he gathers his coat to his hand. When he stands, he pushes the button of his computer to turn it off. “But I’ll pass.”

Johnny mouths ‘I told you so’ to the people around which earned fits of giggles. 

“Come on, Jaehyun,” Taeil insists. “It’s just for tonight.”

If other people would observe, Jaehyun’s actions would be seen as disrespectful - as he straight out walks towards the time clock to punch out. However, since almost everyone in the office knows of his past, they let him be. Jaehyun wasn’t like this before _that_ incident - and adjusting to his cold demeanor was quite difficult, to say the least, but everyone managed to lengthen their patience towards him.

“Okay, I’ll be honest,” Haechan raises his hand. “I am starting to lose my patience towards Jaehyun hyung.”

“Haechan,” Johnny sighs. “We talked about this.”

“It’s been two years!” The younger whines. “He should have moved on.”

“Thought you were teaching your kids well, Johnny hyung,” Taeyong quips as he gets out of his office. He looks so exhausted with his disheveled hair, first button of his shirt undone, and the loose necktie. Johnny could never imagine the piles of paper waiting for him on his desk. These were times that he was thankful that he was only a _supervisor_.

“I did,” Johnny shrugs. “But did he lie though?”

Silence fills the room and everyone internally agrees, even Taeyong. 

Two years since Jaehyun got involved in a car _accident_.

“So, chicken and beer?” Taeil finally stands from his seat then stretches the knots out of his back muscles. Everyone follows except for Taeyong, who only smiles and frees his neck from the tie hanging around all day.

* * *

Two years since Jaehyun lost you.

Two years he’s been self-suffering. Two years of blaming. Two years of guilt.

And in the span of two years, he learns a new routine. Work. Then home. It was foreign not to go out with his co-workers in the first five months, but he swallows his guilt - he shouldn’t be happy while you’re gone. He doesn’t deserve it, it’s what he thinks. In the first five months, he drinks and tries to forget, but it wasn’t working for him. 

He was beyond broken, raising the worries of his co-workers. His _friends_.

In the next months, Taeil and Yuta buy him gym equipment; ‘to keep himself busy’ as they say. Jaehyun appreciates the concern and thinking that not using it would rust them off, he learns to use them. In nights of insomnia, as you continue to appear in his dreams, taken in by the guilt and emotional repression, he goes up and trains until his body can’t move anymore.

This night wasn’t any different.

Jaehyun lies on the floor of his training ground. He’s drenched in sweat and it sticks to the mat below, but he pays no mind. He stares at the ceiling - your smile comes through his mind. He misses you, so much. And it hurts so badly. He isn’t alone but he feels like one without your presence. He shouldn’t be feeling guilty as it was an accident, but he’s blaming himself: he shouldn’t have invited you to a fancy dinner. He should have listened to you but he didn’t. 

Jaehyun looks at his watch. The screen flashes and shows 01:13 AM.

He shouldn’t be laying on the floor drenched in sweat. Right now, you should have been laying with him instead, your soft snores melody to his ears.

He stares at the ceiling once again. He has deleted all your pictures in order to forget, but it keeps coming…

Jaehyun cries. 

He swore he’ll never cry once more, yet your face, your dear facade keeps haunting his thoughts.

He wants you back.

* * *

“You should be glad I’m still awake,” Rose quips, lightning her cig as she sits on the edge of Jaehyun’s bed. The white shirt tossed by Jaehyun earlier covers her slender upper body to her mid-thighs.

Jaehyun only hums, sitting beside her. He comes back from the shower from which he throws out the condom he used just a while ago. With him wearing his birthday suit, Rose can’t help but admire his body; sculpted into perfection. She was staring until he raised a brow.

Rose offers him a cig and he accepts, letting her light his stick.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun huffs from his cigarette. “Thanks.”

She offers him a knowing look. Her legs are crossed while her chin rests on her palms, supported by her elbows on her knees. A smile comes across her sultry lips. “So?”

He looks at her incredulously. “So?”

Rose shrugs. She glances at the clock by his nightstand and huffs a smoke out of her cigarette. “It’s almost 3 AM.”

“And?”

She reaches for her bag resting on the nightstand and fishes her phone out. She scrolls back to her recent contacts, most recently coming from Jaehyun. “Booty calls at 1:48 in the morning? Like I’ve said, you’re lucky I’m still up.”

Jaehyun chuckles dryly in reply, before blowing another smoke from his light. “I know you’d come anyway.”

“I mean,” Rose sighs dreamily, looking at Jaehyun’s body rather salaciously. He’s covered in his own sweat, mixed a little bit with hers, and it’s the hottest view Rose had ever seen in her entire life. “I’d be an idiot to turn you down.”

Jaehyun extinguishes his cig on a nearby ashtray and runs his fingers through his tresses. She imitates his actions, reaching over to the lone ashtray where he extinguished his stick. His gaze follows suit, weighing down whether he’ll let her stay until the sun rises or let her go home. 

Rose has been of great help to him. He needs release at times, and she’s been willing to do him a favor every time ever since they met at the bar when Jaehyun was still in the first few months of _recovering_. She confessed her lowkey crush on him and they’ve been hooking up ever since.

It was hard to admit, but Rose knew she’s only nothing. When they fuck around, his eyes are void of any emotion. Sure, his face tells him he feels good as well as his moans and grunts, but Rose knew that it was all just lustful desires. A short-term form of happiness.

“Stay the night,” he says, proceeding to put stray strands of her hair behind her ears. His touch was cold like his exterior. Rose wishes she could break those walls, but she also knows that it’s not yet the time to do those if she wants to keep using him. 

A mutual understanding. Both sides benefitted. She thinks that somehow, this is okay. At least for now.

She nods. It was quite late anyway, and the sun will be rising soon. It was part of the deal - that she leaves as the sun rises, so lays on his bed, inhaling his scent. Jaehyun follows suit, inviting her over to his and she scoots over, making his chest as a pillow. He runs his hand through her soft hair.

But the problem is, Jaehyun feels nothing after all these.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think so far. :)


	3. Apparition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He feels he’s getting crazy. He is mad. He is confused.

Jaehyun sees Rose’s missed calls when he’s already revving the engines of his car.

He shrugs. He starts the car and yet not a few minutes later, Rose calls.

“Finally,” she says over the line. Jaehyun transfers the audio to his blue tooth earphones before he answers. He’s stopped at a red light, silently observing the crowd outside his car windows. 

“Is something wrong? Today’s Friday, shouldn’t you be-”

“I’m coming over,” she interrupts him. “Actually, I’m already over here. By your door. Do you have ramyeun with you? I’m craving for some.”

“You should have texted me earlier,” Jaehyun sighs. He’s actually peeved with Rose coming in without prior permission, but he can’t just send the woman away. Also, now that she said it, he’s craving for some ramyeun as well. Problem is, he ran out.

“I did, but you didn’t respond,” Rose says. “Anyway, are you near? It’s freezing out here.”

“I’ll stop by the mart. I ran out of ramyeun,” he replies. He hears her curse but he ignores the remark, rather chuckles at it. One thing he likes about Rose that she’s blunt - never quite afraid to speak what’s on her mind. Painful enough, it reminds him greatly of you.

“I’ll meet you there then,” she hangs up. Jaehyun didn’t even have the chance to reply to her appeal. It was of no use anyway. He arrives at the mart a few minutes later, parking his car in front of the shop. Rose wasn’t still there as the mart was about a ten-minute walk away from his apartment. He goes inside and pulls a cart. Initially, he only sought to buy ramyeun, but since his fridge was almost emptying out, he thought it would be better to do groceries now and carry them in one go.

Ramyeun, ingredients for his spicy stew, black noodles, eggs, candies, some essentials - everything Jaehyun could think of is in his cart. He sees the meat section and suddenly craves barbecue, thus he pushes his cart to the side. He asks the staff to cut the pork for him already and waits, scrolling through his phone. His feed shows Johnny’s recent photography post on his Instagram account, Taeyong with his dog Ruby the next.

The staff calls out his order. Jaehyun puts his phone back in his pockets and reaches for the plastic, but a hand bumps to his - cold like his, to which he thinks it was probably from the freezer’s temperature. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, but the world seems to stop when he looks at the owner of the hand.

“It’s okay,” you say, and the staff signs for you - meaning that the plastic was your order. You smile towards the man and bows a little before reaching over to get the plastic bag filled with sliced meat. 

He stares at you, aghast like you were a ghost. He stares at you like you shouldn’t be here. You couldn’t figure the emotions on his face but it was nothing of your concern. Once again you bow to his direction, walking away from his odd gaze.

“[ Y/N ]-”

“Jaehyun!” Rose pipes in and clings to his arm. Jaehyun watches as you walk away as you didn’t hear him anymore, and Rose follows the direction of his gaze. You were turning your back to them, falling in line for the counter. Rose raises a single brow. 

“You know her?”

Does he?

You were dead. Taeyong said it to him. To which he asked for confirmation. Taeyong brings him to the morgue. He was in crutches, and your body lay lifeless on the cold, stainless rectangular platform. You were clad in white. You looked like you’re sleeping, but Jaehyun checked your body, your temperature. It was cold. There was no pulse. No beat.

Taeyong assured him to help him arrange a funeral. They did. But he did nothing. He stared at nothing. His mind was empty, with no thoughts, nothing. He didn’t look at the casket and checked. Your picture on the center of the bouquet of flowers. That time, white doesn’t suit you. Jaehyun thought it did as he saw you in a white gown and veil with a bouquet of white roses in hand - but looking at your picture he thought otherwise.

You were dead. He mourned for you. Days. Weeks. Years. Counting at present.

Yet you stood before him. 

The creases that appear every time you smile even in the slightest. The coolness of your skin when it’s cold. The swinging of your hips as you walk. The smell of the sweet perfume that he knows you’ve always loved.

“Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, knitting his brows for a moment before smiling at the girl’s direction. “Yes?”

Rose looks at him incredulously and huffs. She brings him over to the ice cream fridge and asks him to buy her a pack of Melona. She still clings to him and he doesn’t mind, because his thoughts are now clouded with questions.

_ What the fuck is going on? _

* * *

“Ah, fuck, Jaehyun!” Rose moans into the sheets, the sheets grasped between her hands wrapping tighter with Jaehyun’s thrust.

Jaehyuns grips onto Rose’s hips deeply, his fingers almost making a mark on her flawless skin. Rose notices the irregularity in the rhythm of his thrusts: this wasn’t the usual Jaehyun in bed. 

Jaehyun takes it slow. He takes his time, thinking about the pleasures of them both. He knows how to plant kisses on every skin, and how it trails fire on every kiss.  _ Usually _ , he takes his time, but obviously not for tonight. Rose puts her hand to her back, feels his hard-toned abs but pushes it away. “Jaehyun, wait-”

Her pleas cut as Jaehyun thrusts into her with much force, hitting her deep inside. 

Ever since they got home from the mart, Jaehyun went silent. When Rose asked him questions or talked to him in general, he remains void, only nodding or giving short replies in return. She never knew how to describe the face Jaehyun is making as they drove back to his apartment, but one thing’s for sure: that ever since he saw you back in the mart, it’s been clouding his thoughts.

Rose knew her limitations as Jaehun already said that she shouldn’t mind what his past is, but now she’s curious.

So she asked. But Jaehyun suddenly got irritated. Rose thought that instead of lashing out or yelling, this is his way to shut her up. Kissing her quite forcefully as he puts her queries back to her throat. Not that she doesn’t like it anyway.

She’s at her limit, and as Jaehyun continues to thrust his cock inside her irregularly, she comes undone. She screams his name in mercy, but Jaehyun isn’t there yet. 

He sees Rose’s weakening body so pulls out. Instead, his hand grip his throbbing length and shoots his high onto Rose’s hips. 

“Fuck.”

He curses. He had never lost his cool during times like these. He’s done it so many times but he never lashed out on sex like a beast this way. But it was all his instinct. 

He feels he’s getting crazy. He is mad. He is confused.

_ What the hell is going on? _

Jaehyun sighs and scratches his head in frustration. He looks back to Rose and sees her, almost already half-asleep from the fuck he gave him just a while ago. He gets the shirt from the floor that he tossed earlier, wiping his cum from Rose’s hips. He went straight to the bathroom to put the shirt away to the laundry basket and washes his face.

He looks at the mirror. He sees himself, and he knows that he changed. The bags under his eyes are prominent enough that anyone could notice. 

He gets back to his room, Rose already sleeping on his bed. Jaehyun gets himself a fresh pair of boxers from his cabinet and proceeds to wrap a blanket around the woman’s frame. He goes to the kitchen and grabs a can of beer, turning the TV on to try and distract his thoughts, but it’s all stuck in his head.

You’re alive.

You’re not a ghost. Not an apparition. Not a nightmare that haunts him where ever he goes.

He touched your hand, technically. 

Jaehyun can’t believe it.

You’re _ fucking _ alive.

He dials a number so familiar from his phone.

“Taeyong, we need to talk.”


	4. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun still can’t grasp what happened days prior. He gets distracted from time to time, yet his thoughts come back to you.

It’s Monday. When Jaehyun gets exactly on the office floor, he storms into Taeyong’s office. 

But he wasn’t there.

He hasn’t answered his calls since Friday. It was only his voice mail that answered. Jaehyun was beyond frustrated. He needs answers. His mind wasn’t at ease, causing his sleep schedule to fuck up even more. He was restless. 

He goes out of the empty office and calls out to Taeil, whose cubicle is nearest to Taeyong’s office. 

“Where the fuck is he?” Jaehyun asks with agitation.

“Ya,” Taeil spats. “Have you forgotten who’s older here, Jaehyun?” 

“I’m not in the mood for that Taeil Hyung,” Jaehyun hisses back. Taeil was about to land a fist on Jaehyun’s face when Taeyong calls his name. He strides in between the two men to stop the banter. 

“Taeyong Hyung,” Jaehyun practically grits through his teeth when he said his name. “I want to talk to you.”

Taeyong shrugs and checks his phone. 

“That’s kinda obvious with the 48 missed calls and almost 50 messages over the weekend, no, Jaehyun?” He lightly pats the younger’s shoulder but Jaehyun pries away from the touch. “Let’s go to my office.” 

* * *

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Jaehyun knows that Taeyong thinks he’s crazy. Or at least going to that path. He relays what happened last Friday night as vividly as he can. Taeyong listens to his story—or at least he tries too. The obvious perplexity in his expression paints all over his face as Jaehyun repeats the story.

“Jaehyun. She’s _dead_.”

Jaehyun’s face visibly hardens. His hands lay on his sides and curled them into a fist, tight enough to see the prominent veins on his knuckles.

“You mourned for her. You were there, watching over her funeral twenty-four-seven,” Taeyong continues, slapping Jaehyun with his words. 

“I didn’t check her casket—“

“You held her fucking hand when she was in the morgue—!!”

A punch lands on Taeyong’s face, and with Jaehyun’s hard blow he stumbles onto the chair behind him, propping his hand onto the rest for support. Blood drips from Taeyong’s nose as Jaehyun’s knuckles gash a scar on his cheek. Jaehyun is about to hit Taeyong with another when Johnny comes in, holding the younger back.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Doyoung yells, running over Taeyong’s side along with Jungwoo and Taeil to support him as he stands up. Everyone in the office seemed to notice the commotion so they all went inside.

Johnny holds onto Jaehyun with great force as he keeps on struggling. Yuta’s on the side, ready to support Johnny to keep Jaehyun in his hold.

“Jung Jaehyun, you are fucking done for,” Taeyong grits through his teeth as he wipes the blood from his nose. Doyoung clutches onto Taeyong’s arm to prevent his future actions, but Taeyong exhales heavily and releases Doyoung’s grip from him. Doyoung is about to react when Taeyong puts his hands inside his pants’ pockets.

“Go home. Don’t go to work unless you’re in the right mind already.”

Everyone seems to be shocked by Taeyong’s decision, even Jaehyun. 

“I don’t think—“ Taeil interjects, but Doyoung speaks up.

“It’s for the better, I think,” he says as he looks at Jaehyun. Johnny feels Jaehyun’s body relax a bit, thus loosens his hold onto him. His breathing still heaves heavily though, so his arms were not completely off the younger’s body.

“Jaehyun, I think it’s a good idea,” Doyoung quips, still looking at Jaehyun with pure sincerity. “I don’t know what you guys talked about, but seeing you all vexed on Taeyong—I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go to work for the meantime.”

Doyoung is glad that Jaehyun listens despite his silence. He frees his body from Johnny’s hold. He’s still angry but Doyoung makes a lot of sense.

“I agree,” Taeil says, the one only having the balls to pat Jaehyun on his shoulder in a friendly gesture. “I don’t think you’re on missions this month anyway. You need to at least cooldown.”

Jaehyun seems to come back to his senses and nods. He looks at Taeyong one ferociously one last time before storming out of the office, gathering his things away.

When he gets out, everyone looks at Taeyong. The leader raises a brow as he wipes his nose again, clearing any blood stains from Jaehyun’s hit.

“He sure hits hard. That’s why he’s on the combat offense team,” Taeyong jokes, but no one laughs. Jungwoo offers him a hanky and he accepts it.

“What happened, anyway?” Taeil asks.

Taeyong remains silent. Everyone was expecting a reply but he only says:

“Get back to work.”

* * *

It has been two and a half weeks since Jaehyun got suspended. 

Rose comes often, very much often. But Jaehyun still can’t grasp what happened days prior. He gets distracted from time to time, yet his thoughts come back to you. His co-workers still talk to him through messages, mostly asking how he’s keeping up and the changes they observed without Jaehyun in the office. He appreciates the gestures, but your face haunts him every time.

Jaehyun was a hundred percent sure it was you in the mart. Thus, he searches for you everywhere, even goes back to the same mart where he saw you. Touched you once again. But there were no traces that would lead up to you if you were alive and not a hallucination.

* * *

You meet him in his dreams. Or nightmares. In it, he sits on the couch of your previously shared apartment while watching Netflix. You call out his name as dinner is being served. He looks over, sees you smiling at him as you tell him that dinner’s ready.

He walks over to you, but when he touches your arm, you scream. 

The same scream he heard that night.

Jaehyun wakes up, breaths were heavy from the nightmare. He clutches the skin on his chest as he tries to calm down.

When he does, he grabs his phone and looks at the time. 

4:32 in the morning.

He sighs and runs his hand over his hair. Falling back asleep wasn’t an option as the very time he closes his eyes, you would come back. So instead he stands and heads to the bathroom for a quick wash and wears on his tracksuit, going out for an early morning jog.

* * *

6:30 in the morning.

Jaehyun sits on one of the benches of the park where he usually jogs laps. It was too early in the day that no one still loiters around, except for early joggers like him. 

He fishes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls down his Instagram as he rests. 

The orphanage where you first met was the first post he saw. Some familiar faces come into view, especially the children whom he helped before. Jaehyun smiles as his heart melt at the photo. He double-tapped on it and a thought suddenly came to mind.

He smiles to no one in particular with the sudden idea, but he feels light and happy—genuinely for the first time in weeks.

He turns the music on and texted Rose that he'll be busy for the weekend, before putting his phone back in his pockets, finishing his remaining laps before going home.

* * *

“I haven’t seen you in years!”

The old lady who grew fond of Jaehyun hugs him on sight, even though he’s carrying a box full of goods. Jaehyun chuckles, missing the affection and warmth of the place. It has been years since he last visited; he thought that the painful memories would come back as soon as he sees the orphanage’s driveway. He was wrong, as it felt refreshing: happy memories flood his mind as he remembers you and your legacy.

“I miss you too, Halmeoni.” 

She lets him go and instructs him to put down the box on a table. He follows and unboxes the goods he brought: mostly shoes and clothes for the younglings. The older woman was ecstatic, with every piece Jaehyun brings out, she would say that it would fit this child or that kid’s name. The smile on Jaehyun’s lips never fades; it has been really, years since he felt this way.

Another car drives into the parking and Halmeoni excuses herself. Jaehyun politely nods and continues to unbox the clothes and shoes, each movement of his hands reminded him of you: how yours would bump into his, every fits of giggles every time he sneaks a tickle to your side. 

A tug at his shirt breaks his reverie, and he looks down to the eyes of a young man tall as his hips. Jaehyun sits to meet his level. 

“Did you bring us presents?”

“I did,” Jaehyun laughs. 

“What did you bring?”

“I brought you shoes and some clothes,” he replies. The child smiles and tiptoes over the table to try and see the presents. 

“I want new shoes,” the child says. Jaehyun stands and ruffles his hair. 

“Okay, I’ll give you a pair. What’s your name?”

“Daejung,” he replies. Jaehyun gets a pair from his presents and shows it to him. 

“Do you want this one?” Daejung nods. Jaehyun sits to match Daejung’s height once more and puts the pair of shoes in front of him. Daejung removes his slippers and Jaehyun assists him in wearing one. He places his hand on Jaehyun’s head to support himself.

“Your hair is soft, hyung,” to which Jaehyun laughs.

“Yours is as well.”

“I’m sorry I just got back!” Halmeoni pants as she approaches Jaehyun and Daejung. She sees that Daejung has already worn a present from Jaehyun and sighs.

“You could have waited for the others,” Halmeoni scolds. Jaehyun is quick to defend saying that it’s okay. Daejung stands behind Jaehyun, clutching the fabric of his shirt as he hides away from Halmeoni’s lectures.

“Anyway,” Halmeoni waves her hand dismissively to drop the issue regarding Daejung’s excitement. “Sorry about that, but an old-time friend came to visit. Like you, it’s been a long time since she volunteered. I’m gonna tend to you both, she’s just packing her presents and will come here shortly.”

“No problem, Halmeoni,” Jaehyun replies.

The old woman peers over the woman who was quite struggling with two big paper hands hung on both arms while carrying a big box. Jaehyun follows Halmeoni’s gaze.

“I’ll help her.”

Just as Jaehyun said it, the woman tumbles over due to the weight of her carry. He jogs over her slumped figure, carrying her paper bags as well as the box, making it look easy within his hold. 

“Let me carry this for you.”

You stand and chuckle nervously, dusting off the dirt on your clothes. You put the stray strands of hair fallen messily onto your face away, behind your ears. When you look up with an embarrassed facade, you see unfamiliar eyes boring into yours.

Nevertheless, you paid no mind with the stare he’s giving you.

“Sorry. I thought I could carry them all in one go.”

It was seconds before he replied.

“[Y/N]?”

You blink.

“How...”

Jaehyun mirrors your confused expression.

“Do I know you?”


End file.
